


Just a little cup of Happiness

by Fogfire



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 12:40:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16387913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fogfire/pseuds/Fogfire





	Just a little cup of Happiness

There are bad days and the gloomy feeling of a too long winter when you just need to see the sun again. And then there’s the worst. When the bad days stretch into weeks from all the stress and suddenly, the stress turns into something, that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth that not even Nialls homemade hot chocolate can wash away. You’re down. On your knees. Literally. Your mind is restless, even when you’re not thinking at all.

You keep it to yourself, the dreadful feeling that has settled in your stomach like junks of ice cold steel. You don’t want to be a burden. And you don’t really know how to… name those feelings. When you wake up in the middle of the night, your heart racing like you’re just ran a marathon, you cuddle into Niall, trying not to wake him. He still wakes up, mumbling and muttering incoherent words, craddling you close. “You okay?“ His voice is raspy and even though you’re not okay, definitely not, you whisper a “Yeah“ into is neck. It’s what you always say, even now, that it isn’t true anymore. “You sure? Had a nightmare?“ And you could say something, but you can’t. You just snuggle closer, face hidden in the crook of his neck and he understands and falls silent. You won’t tell him the truth, you can’t, but knowing that he cares enough to ask you sincerely, helps you just a bit. Niall rubs your back slowly until you fall asleep.

It’s funny, actually, you think, when you get ready in the morning. You feel a hundred years old, shoulders stiff and a dull pain at the back of your head. Still, you look good, healthy even and if you force yourself to smile, you could be mistaken for being happy. You sigh and pull your hair up into a ponytail when Niall comes in, a smile on his face. “Breakfast’s ready, petal, I hope you’re hungry.“ He’s done a lot of housework the last weeks and never complained once. Sure, you got a lot of school work to do, exams are closing in on you, but he has a job too. You try to help him whenever you can, but when you’re not stressing over essays to write or notes that you need to memorize, there’s that sinking feeling in your bones that presses you into the ground until you can’t move a muscle. It’s quite different to your usually light hearted character.

Niall leans forward to steal a quick kiss and murmurs a quick “You okay?“ against your lips. „You nod, out of reflex and he kisses you again, nudging your nose with his in the process. “We don’t have to go to Louis, if you don’t want to. He will understand if you don’t feel like it.” It’s tempting, to be honest. The small get together has been planned for a week now, just a little barbeque and some footie that will end in a prank war or a water gun fight, considering that Louis is the host. You’re not really in the mood for his antics, he’s your friend, but you’re limit of patience is almost reached. But bailing out needs a good excuse and you’re not ready to talk about it. Plus, you know that Niall desperately wants to go, he has been talking about nothing else the whole week. “No, I’m good.“ He leaves it be, leads you to the kitchen where he’s outdone himself. He even made you fresh orange juice. You kiss him for that, long and slow, trying to tell him what you can’t put into words. He chuckles against your lips. “If I get that for orange juice, what do I get for your favourite meal?“

You’re ready to leave the Tomlinson household the moment Louis jumps out of the door, nearly knocking the two of you down. And for the first time since you’ve known your boyfriend, he puts his foot down. “Careful mate, my lady is fragile.“ You’re speechless for more than one reason and so is Louis. Nially only calls you his lady when he’s dead serious about something. “Sorry“ The older boy pulls you into a quick hug and ushers you into the house. Surprisingly, there’s no water fight or prank war that day – if you don’t count the twenty minutes Louis traps his girlfriend in the kitchen to tickle her – it went nice for everyone. You’re full to the point where it’s almost painful and you can fully blaim Niall, who worked the Barbeque and Louis, who turned up with a bowl of your favourite ice cream that was “just for you“. When you hug him goodbye, you realize, that he noticed what you tried to hide. And his way of comforting might have been pretty simple – leaving you in peace and getting you your favourite food – but it worked, at least for today. Plus, you’re thankful he didn’t make you talk about it. Louis is a friend, a very good one and allthough you’ve never been to the point that you’ve talked a serious topic through with him, you know that he’s actually a pretty good listener and always there if someone needs him. He’s a big brother to Niall and a big brother to you.

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When you get home, you’re too tired to do more than fall on the bed and fall in and out of a sleep with your face pressed into Nialls chest. He’s watching telly and everytime he laughs, your whole body shakes.

The weekend ends and you’re back into feeling miserable. That you didn’t study at all during the weekend doesn’t lighten your stress at all. Niall notices, because, how could he not? Every morning, before you’ve even managad to crawl out of bed, he asks you if you’re okay between kisses and even if you never answer truthfully (you still can’t) he doesn’t force you to talk and you feel… well, you fell that you matter to him.

On wednesday you come home to Harry laying on your living room floor, going through his phone. The moment he notices you he’s up on his feet, engulfing you in one of his full body hugs. You feel yourself sinking into his body warmth. “Hey darling. Missed you.“ “Missed you too. What are you doing here?“ “Niall needed to get some groceries and he told me to stay here so you wouldn’t be worried.“ “Oh God, the groceries! I totally forgot that!“ You feel guilty, because you’re pretty sure that you wrote it on your to-do-list. “Nah, he told me to tell you that he got some spare time anyway. Knows you pretty good, that lad.“ You chuckle, relieved. Niall has been trying to show you his “good husband features“ for quite a time now and you can’t agree more, Niall knows you pretty good.

“Food is in the kitchen, by the way.” Harry follows you like a lost puppy, pointing towards the leftover pasta on the stove. “I thought Niall was out buying groceries.” “Eh… Well, how was your day?” You let him change the topic, planning to pry it out of Niall later. “Okay, I guess.” “Just okay? It should be great, as you’re great.” He jokes and you do him the favour and laugh along.

Harry’s way of comforting is different to Niall’s and Louis. He doesn’t insist on knowing what bothers you - not that Niall does, but you know that he wants to know - nor does he try to take away your work. He’s just there, chatting away lightly while you pick at your food, making you laugh with his stupid jokes. He takes your mind away from things and at the time Niall arrives your head feels less heavy and you’re surprised that you actually ate a full plate of pasta. “Hi Baby.” Niall leans down to kiss you, hiding the bag with groceries behind his back. “Do you want a coffee for studying or a tea?” “Coffee would be nice.” “Coming right away.” You’re too absorbed in the feeling of complete adoration for him, to do more than stare at his back as he prepares a big mug of coffee and a small plate with pieces of fruits, nuts and berries for you to snack on. He actually blushes as he sets the plate down in front of you and you wonder about it until you notice the smug grin on Harrys face. 

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“My mom says fresh fruit are good for the brain.” Harrys grin spreads even wider and you decide to save Niall. “So, what were you buying groceries for?” “Oh, ehm… I’m… Well, guess what… Harry’s showing me how to bake bread. I’ve got that really good recipe for soda bread from my mum and you know Harry…” He shoots him a look and Harry’s answer is spot on, with that stupid dimpled smile you know so well. “You know, I used to be a baker.” “Okay, okay, I get it. I will be up in our room, studying.” “Oh, I put your things into my home office, I don’t use it anyway and you don’t have to lay on your bed while you read.” You give him a kiss filled with gratitude and ignore Harry’s stupid grin.

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The next morning there’s a plate with homemade muffins on the counter, ridiculous faces painted onto them. “I call them cheer-up mufins.” Niall tells you as he packs your lunch box – he insisted on doing it and you don’t mind today, as he has nothing else to do this early and it’s nice to be looked after for a bit. “Harry wanted to put jokes in them, like fortune cookies, but I thought it would be a bit disgusting if you accidently eat the paper.” You hug him, tight. At lunch you discover that he packed you a bag of chocolate chip cookies he made himself and you realize, that there never was any bread at all. Sneaky.

When Zayn shows up two days later to meet Niall – who isn’t even at home – you start seeing a pattern, but as he offers to go through your notes together, you don’t object. Niall is trying to make you talk about it and you can’t really blame him. Sending Zayn over tells you that even though he desperately wants you to talk to him, he would gladly have you spill out everything to Zayn instead if that means that you’re talking about it at all. And it’s not that Zayn isn’t the perfect choice to talk to, he’s calm and collected and the moment you look at him you feel yourself calm down too. But you’re in the middle of exams and you feel that if you start talking now, you won’t be able to stop soon and you need every waking minute to study if you don’t want to fail.

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You go through you’re anatomy notes with Zayn until late at night when he’s lying on the floor and you on the couch, him beeing sleep nearer than being awake, the front door clicks shut softly. You look up to see Niall standing in the doorway, surprised to see the two of you still up. “What did you do for so long?” “Learn.” Zayn groans from the floor. “I know now the exact name of the bones I already broke in my life.” Niall chuckles and walks to you, leaning in for a kiss. “How are you? Feeling okay?” It’s not a rhetorical question, it never is. He patiently waits for you to answer and you’re a bit surprised about the “Not really.” that you breath out without much thought. Niall puckers his lips in anticipation of the explanation he has desperately waited for so long.

It’s not that you don’t want to tell him. Maybe in the beginning you hadn’t wanted to be a burden but by now you didn’t know yourself what made you feel so bad. Everything was wrong at the same time and how could you explain something to him that you couldn’t fully grasp yourself? “I’m tired.” You can see the disappointment in his eyes. He’s trying so hard to make you feel better and it hurts you to see how it hurts him that he isn’t successful. You wrap your arm lazily around hs side and nudge your nose into his shoulder. “Wanna go to bed?”

It’s in the early morning when you wake up because Niall managed to kick his left knee right into your bum, you think about how Niall actually is successful. Stress and everything have drained every little drop of energy and happiness from you and Niall fills it back in or tries to, with a little cup that can only hold so much of it. You can feel the love for him sloshing around behind your ripcage, liquid feelings and a molten heart.

A few hours later you wake him up with little kisses that you pepper all over his face until he giggles and whines and pouts. You feel happier than you have in a long time and when Niall asks you if you’re okay you can answer with a honest “Yes. And you?” You ask back, lightly tickling his ribcage to make him laugh. “Ugh, I’m exhausted. Thanks for asking.” At first you think he’s making jokes until you realize he’s quite serious. “Why? What happened?” He doesn’t even hesitate. He tells you about the long day he had yesterday, how he managed to trip over his own feet at the photoshoot the last monday, anything and everything that went wrong for him. It’s a lot he has to tell and he’s eager to share as you guiltily realize that you barely managed to tell him how your own day was, let alone ask him about his. You must have tuned out of the things he’s told you this past weeks and you feel so bad about it. “Don’t do that.” He stops talking, looking at you as sternly as he can with his messy bed head. “Don’t feel bad, what I’m telling you now is what I didn’t told you when you asked me about my day before.” “Why?” “Because you couldn’t take it then and now you can.” “Just… how can you talk about it so freely?” He rubs his thumb about your cheekbone. “Because I know you’ll always listen to me, even if you can’t take it.”

You feel happy and it stays like that for the whole weekend. You learn and you laugh, you study until your shoulders are hunched and your head is heavy and Niall tries to massage the tension out of you but it ends up in an awful tickle fight. It feels easy, to be happy, when you don’t think of your problems, even more when you get to spend your time with Niall.

You feel happy, when you leave the house on monday, but it goes down in flames so easily. Tiny things first, but they add up until you drag yourself to the bathroom, in between your last exames of the day. You’re ready to cry, to scream, to shout and throw a tantrum, you’re ready to break down, to collapse on the ground and never get up again. The last part of your mind that’s still functionating correctly makes you whip out your mobile phone, already dialling Nialls number. But you stop yourself, your back pressing hard against the wall of the toilet stall, face pressed into the palm of your hand, trying to get yourself together. You can’t call him right now, you can’t call him and cry and let everything out, you can’t put more and more and more on his shoulders or he will certainly break at some point. You can’t be a burden to him, you have to be able to do this without his help. You have to!

You bite down hard onto your knuckles, black spots appearing in front of your eyes. You might have to do this without Niall, but you can’t do this alone. And there’s always that one person that you never have to be afraid to call.

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“Hello, irish princess, what’s up?” You can hear Liams laughter, it cuts straight through your panic filled haze but instead of calming you down like it usually does, you break out into full on sobbing. The next twenty minutes Liam does what he does best. He comforts you, like a soft, warm blanket in a cold night, with quiet words, softly spoken, while you stammer and stutter, sob and gasp, searching for words that describe the painful blackness in your heart. You can’t find them and when you’re finally able to breath for a minute without starting to cry again, there’s a sharp knock on the door. You freeze and if it weren’t for Liam encouraging you to open the door through the phone, you wouldn’t have moved at all. You open the door of the stall and if not for Niall’s quick reflexes, you would have dropped your phone on the ground out of sheer surprise. He catches it and put against his ear, whispering a quick “Thank you mate.” before ending the call. He barely has time to put the phone away as you already crash into him, wrapping your arms around him as if he could disappear at any moment. There are no tears left behind to cry, but you sob anyway as you press your face into his neck, his arms around you, holding you. This feels right.

You remember faintly, that Niall isn’t good in handling tears, at least that’s what he told you and the whole fandom some time ago. Truth is, yes, he get’s shaken up a bit when you’re crying and you’re sad and falling apart. But who wouldn’t? And still, there’s no one who can hold you like that, firm enough to let you know you won’t float away, but also careful, as if you were a flower or something delicate, that breaks easily. He holds you, as though you are his world and if he ever drops you, how is he going to survive?

Another twenty minutes pass that you spend talking. Niall’s sitting on the toilet seat, balancing you on his lap, your head resting comfortably on his shoulder. There’s a lot that’s streaming out of you, not the tiny things, as they already are forgotten, but the blackness that has tinted your heart dark and choked you when you tried to speak about it. You tell him, that you think you need to do it alone, that you don’t want to be a burden, that you want to make him proud. You can see in his eyes, that he’s already proud of you. So much. It doesn’t take the pain away, but it lights a fire in your bones. “Niall.” “Yeah?” “I still have one exam to take.” He hesitates, looks into your eyes and smiles. “Yeah. And you will be a blast. Because you’re awesome.”

Yes, you take the last exam this semester with bloodshot eyes, messy hair and a stuffed nose. But you take it with more confidence than anyone else and from the moment you step out of the room until you’re both getting ready for bed, Niall never leaves your side.

When you wake up in the morning, Niall’s drawing circles on your arms, you feel tired and awake, happy and a bit sad, all at the same time. “Are you okay?” He whispers. “Yeah.” “Really?” “Really. And you?” “Yeah. Thank you for making me feel better.” “I didn’t do the hardest part. That was all you.” “What do you mean?” “Opening up.”

In the end, you realize, yes, sometimes it’s too much to do it alone. And even if other people can’t make it better, can’t take away the problem, they might be able to help you do it yourself. And if they only hand you a cup of happiness each day, in the end you might be surprised how much power a little bit of happiness can have.


End file.
